Warnings: PS

by bradeatspeeps

So, I love action movies.  A lot.  The bigger, louder, and more explodey they are, the more I like them.  The Losers, based on a pretty fabulous graphic novel to start with, is very big, loud, and very explodey, so I should automatically like it, right?

RIGHT.

For once, I can say I was given exactly what I was promised.  The cast doesn’t have a lot of huge names in it, but the ones that are there are actors that I really enjoy.  Jeffrey Dean Morgan, known affectionately as Sir in the “Supernatural” fandom, and Zoe Saldana are two of my favorites right now, and they do not disappoint in this movie.

The Losers tells the story of a band of special forces soldiers who are betrayed and presumed dead after a horrible incident involving 25 Bolivian children…or something.  The plot isn’t important, and that’s a good thing because somewhere around the middle, it sort of gets muddy.  It’s hard to tell exactly what is going on, and these special ops guys suddenly turn into master thieves.  Where as in most action movies the problem is too thin of a plot, the opposite is true for The Losers.  There is so much plot that it’s hard to keep up, but that actually doesn’t ruin the movie.

Any tale of revenge and retribution is going to be one that can keep me interested, and combined with snappy dialogue, sexy times between the two lead actors, and enough explosions to keep me happy until Christmas…well, that’s a recipe for success for me.  The door is left wide open and swinging for a sequel, and I wouldn’t mind one after watching this.  The characters are all extremely likeable, the villains are devious, and even though I have no idea why the hell this movie works, it does.  It really works.

The Losers is an hour and a half of brainless fun, tied together with action movie staples and a really awesome soundtrack.  If this type of movie is your thing, then I highly recommend it.  If it’s not, why the hell not?

4 Bolivian cock fights out of 5.

Warnings: PS, mild L

by Rhiannon

Arguably, there are three icons of the horror genre: Freddy, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers. As of this review, ALL of them have had their movies recast and remade. NONE of those remakes suck nearly as bad as Rob Zombie’s remake of the Halloween franchise. In my opinion, he ruined it. He ruined it with the first movie he remade and then he turned around and made it worse with this wretched flick.

I always refer to Michael Myers as the epitome of horror. I’m a Jason-girl but I have to hand it to Michael – he was scarier. There was no rhyme or reason for the things he did, and that makes it all scarier. You take away the mystique, you take away the fear. That’s what Rob Zombie did – he gave Michael a reason for being the way he was and made him into a sympathetic character.

In this waste of film, we start out with the meat wagon driver and attendant cheerfully discussing necrophilia. Ugh. [I have to admit that the exploding cow in the early scene was pretty cool though (poor thing). Apparently, Rob Zombie has decided that he’s M. Night Shyamalan because there are all these flashbacks and vignettes that seem to be there for the express purpose of giving Rob’s skanky wife some screen time.

I have no problem with the f-bomb – I drop it myself often – but this movie goes way over the top, in my opinion. Especially with Laurie – she’s been turned into Little Miss Trash for this flick. Ugh. Laurie was always the good girl – she even felt bad about smoking just in case she got caught – no way is she going to act the way Rob had her portrayed.

Loomis, oh Loomis. What has Zombie done to you? He turned you into an asshole, for one thing. A materialistic, greedy asshole with concern only for the almighty dollar, not for Michael or his victims. WRONG Rob!

The biggest travesty about this film is what Zombie did to Michael himself. Michael doesn’t speak – never did. He did in Rob’s version – lots of grunting and almost-coherent yelling. Michael never took his mask off, EVER. He did in Rob’s version – in fact, he spent more time OUT of his mask than IN it. Plus Zombie made him look like a hobo – what up with that? Michael IS NOT a cannibal!! What the hell is wrong with you Zombie?! Did you even watch the previous movies? Any of them?

There’s too much wrong with this film to even list out. Do yourself a favor and don’t bother. I’m sorry that I did. This film is defamation of Michael Myer’s character and Zombie should be ashamed of himself. I can’t even listen to Zombie’s music after watching this.

This film? I give it 1 out of 5 weeping horror icons.

Warnings: PS, ES

by Rachel

It seems like all the movies now a days are based on books. Crazy Heart is no different (the movie is based on a book of the same name by Thomas Cobb). However, I have a hard time imagining the book being any better than this movie. There’s something about books…no matter how good a writer is, anything revolving around music just translates better on screen. There’s so much emotion in the sound of a voice singing a good song that just can’t be captured in words.

Crazy Heart follows Bad Black on his journey to self discovery, addiction recovery and finally coming to peace with himself and his life. We first see a 57 year old man, living a hard life of traveling for no money, drinking way too much and not taking care of himself. He was a mentor to a musician who now plays to sold out arenas, while Black is stuck playing hole-in-the-wall bowling alleys.

While on the road he meets Jean, a reporter, and later comes to find himself in a relationship with her. Trying to find a balance between his life of drinking and singing and the new feelings he has for a woman and her child, Black finds himself on the wrong side of right when he loses her son while drunk in a mall. This is the point he makes a decision to get cleaned up. While he doesn’t get the girl in the end, he finds himself, writes some of his best music, and learns to forgive his past mistakes.

Jeff Bridges and Maggie Gyllenhaal were excellent. Jeff showed the ability to create a character that the audience can’t help but love, even as he’s falling on his ass drunk trying to get through a show. Maggie, well, she’s always been an amazing actress, showing such grace on the screen, this movie is no different. With supporting appearances by Colin Farrell (who knew an Irish boy could act and sing country) and Robert Duvall (the end all and be all cowboy in the movie business, in my opinion), the movie wonderfully portrays the pitfalls that can often come with a life in the music business.

One can’t talk about a music movie without discussing the music. From the opening scene with the raspy voice of Bridges sounding to a desert background to the sad and heartbreaking finale when we finally hear the theme song to the movie, the music captures the soul and pulls the viewer into the lives of the characters. I might be biased, as a huge music lover, especially of anything remotely blues/country and alt/country. Even if you are only remotely interested in this genre—see the movie.

Wonderful movie, I was extremely impressed.

5 boozing washed up country singers out of 5

Please note:  This is a TWO Chick review.  The first starts before the jump, and the second is featured after!

Warnings:  PS, ES

by Laura

Let me just begin by saying I’m a comic book geek. I love both Marvel and DC comics, but I’m more of a Marvel girl. I grew up watching and reading the X-Men and Spiderman series and LOVED THEM.  However, I’m not as familiar with the Iron Man series. But I got caught up quickly after the release of the first movie.
Jon Favreau returns as director, as well as Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark (AKA Iron Man) and Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts. Newcomers include Don Cheadle, who takes Terrence Howard’s place as James Rhodes, Scarlett Johnsson as Natalie Rushman/Romanoff, Sam Rockwell as Justin Hammer and Mickey Rourke as Ivan Vanko, just to name a few of the big names. And boy does this movie surpass all my comic book expectations.

It begins in Russia with Ivan Vanko’s father dying as he’s watching Tony Stark declare that he’s Iron Man. Jealousy takes over Ivan as his father dies, saying “It should have been you” instead of Tony Stark there on the TV screen.  Ivan then gets busy creating his own weapon, thus becoming Whiplash. He waits for the time to get his revenge on Tony.

Fast forward six months to the Stark Expo. Tony obviously has fun with his invention of the Iron Man suit, as that’s how he introduced himself at the expo. People adore him (HELLO, I DO TOO). At the expo, we find out while Tony’s backstage that Tony has some health issues: What’s keeping him alive is killing him at the same time. After the expo, Tony gets subpoenaed by the Senate Arms Committee. He’s to appear in DC at 9 a.m. the next day.  Queue the senate hearing. The government wants Tony’s weapons and he absolutely refuses to hand them over, making some cracks at the senators here and there (a very well acted scene I might add). This is where we meet Justin Hammer, Tony’s main weapons competitor, who tries to discredit Tony and his use of the Iron Man outfit. Tony uses his technology to discredit Justin with classified videos of his failed Iron Man prototype failures. HILARIOUS I tell you.

Knowing that he won’t be around much longer, Tony and Pepper have a talk before they head to Madrid (I think?). He hands over his company to Pepper, who is in utter shock, because she also found out that he “gave away” a collection of paintings she had gotten together.  In Madrid, Tony has his first encounter with Ivan. Tony decides to do things his own way (after having a little talk with Natalie about what he would do if this were his last day of life) and Pepper freaks out. Ivan causes a crash and Tony and other drivers are pretty banged up. Police are everywhere, sirens going off, and Pepper and Happy (Tony’s bodyguard) get to Tony and get him the Iron Man suit.

Then, the battle begins with Tony and Ivan, with Nick Fury showing up here and there to guide Tony, and Tony’s inner demons come out, causing him to lose his best friend (Roadey) who also at the same time takes his War Machine suit and gives it to the government.  The last battles are epic, I think. Fury tries to get Stark to join the Avenger initiative, which will open up the setting for the entire superhero flick of the same name. Stick around after the closing credits, as there’s a little hint as to what other movies are to come.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. The acting, the special effects, the writing. GREAT STUFF.

I give it five robots out of five.

Warnings:  L, PS, XS

by bradeatspeeps

I am a superhero type of girl, but I have never been into Iron Man.  The character never appealed to me.  In the same way that Batman was only a superhero because he had a lot of gadgets and insane karate skills, Iron Man is only made super by his suit and his insane brain power.  The difference is that Batman is likable and actually heroic, and Iron Man is mostly just a douche.  I only watched the first Iron Man movie about a day before I saw Iron Man 2, so the story was fresh in my mind.

Iron Man 2 tells the continuing story of Tony Stark, and now his suit has made him even more famous, and he is loving it.  He is not, however, loving how Congress wants him to turn over the suit to the government.  Besides that, his rival, Hammer, is trying to duplicate the suit, and this random guy from Russia is trying to get revenge for what Tony’s dad did to his dad.

LOL WAT?

That’s basically the problem with this movie:  TOO MUCH WORDS. For an action movie, there is surprisingly little action, and what action there is…well, it’s not good.  I can find little fault with the actors in the movie, and I place the blame soley on the shoulders of the director, Jon Favreau, who does double duty as director and supporting actor.

The pacing is TERRIBLE.  The action scenes are paltry.  The action SHOTS are laughable.  This movie is just a big mess, and though I won’t say that I loooooved Iron Man, I have to say that it was a solid movie, and it was fun to watch.  Iron Man 2…not so much.

Robert Downey Jr. plays a good Tony Stark, but that is only because he ISN’T playing Tony Stark.  He is playing Robert Downey Jr.  It doesn’t matter because he makes the movie brilliant in those times when he’s not mired down by the less than stellar supporting cast.  I also can’t hate on Sam Rockwell because even though I do not like the actor, I though he was a perfect weasely foil.  My biggest complain about the cast of this movie is Mickey Rourke.

I love Mickey Rourke.  Mostly because you can tell he’s absolutely batshit crazy.  And I thought that when he was cast as Whiplash that the producers had done a great job.  They DID do a great job, except for the fact that Rourke’s scenes were too short, too few, and too far in between.  It seemed a waste to even have him appear in the film for as much as we saw him.  I have the same complain with Scarlett Johansson.  I love me some ScarJo, but I found her endlessly irritating in this movie.  I had no idea what her purpose was.  Originally, Black Widow was brought in to seduce Tony Stark, and she was a bad guy (before eventually turning over a new leaf and joining S.H.I.E.L.D.).  She seems to start that way, but instead of giving her a point and making her interesting, they just gave her a few impressive fight scenes and a skin-tight catsuit.

Fine. Whatever. I hate that skinny, athletic bitch anyway.

I’m not a Gwyneth Paltrow fan at all, but I find her really easy to like in these movies, and that didn’t change.  I do have a problem with the fact that she was made CEO of Stark’s company, and then…what?  What is HER function? To flail around uselessly and then make out with Tony at the end?  In the same vein, at first I was annoyed that Terrance Howard had been replaced with Don Cheadle, but in the end, it worked out all right.  However not even this upgrade could really save what turned out to be a mostly terrible supporting cast.

In the end, I found Iron Man 2 to be watchable, but it doesn’t compare to the first, which I found mildly entertaining at best.  Pacing problems, ridiculous action scenes, and a cast that slogs along behind the incredible force that is Robert Downey Jr. make me wish I had waited for DVD.

3 plutonium cores out of 5.

Warnings: PS, ES

by Rachel

Jennifer Lopez should stick to acting. She’s far better at acting than at singing. However, any mediocre actress can pull off the very ordinary role of a lead in a romantic comedy. With that said, this isn’t an ordinary romantic comedy.

The Back-Up Plan is a love story of a woman, Zoe, who has spent her whole life alone. Her mother died when she was young, her father wasn’t in the picture and it has just been her and her grandmother for quite a while. She wanted a family. After not finding “the one” she decided to take matters into her own hands and go it alone, by way of IVF.

It just so happens that the day she walks out of the office, the day—it turns out—that she gets pregnant, Zoe meets Stan, played by the wickedly attractive, and might I add Australian, Alex O’Laughlin (but, sadly, he’s missing his lovely accent in this role—as usual with him).

They go out, they have wild sex in a cheese showroom (he’s a dairy farmer of sorts) and she comes clean. He has the typical hurt and enraged reaction but after a fight he comes to her door wanting to give the relationship a try. After a huge fight, caused by him stating that the babies weren’t his, but not really meaning it, she breaks things off, like she usually does, because she can’t seem to make things work, she just can’t seem to allow herself to trust others.

She finds out he had a custom stroller made for her coming twins, goes into labor, finds out he saved a token from the day they met before she finally admits to herself and to Stan that she is in it for good, she wants to stick it out.

The movie is so packed full of clichés seen in romantic comedies, as well as those that are often attributed to pregenancy….a list if you will:

• Leaving the tag on a dress. (i.e. excuse for guy to get in close and touch her neck)
• The almost rabid hunger that comes with early pregnancy
• The dog that eats the pregnancy test
• Horny pregnant ladies

But it’s also full of those classic moments that make romantic comedies entities in themselves that seem to suck you in every time (i.e. the man fainting in the doctor’s office, grandma saying fuck in a church, women talking about their vaginas, etc).

Overall, a cute and pretty funny movie. A must see for anyone that likes the romantic comedy, even with all the predictability that comes with it.

4 fertilized ladies out of 5

Warnings:  none

by Rachel

Okay, not a stand alone movie. Anyone watching who hasn’t seen Battlestar Galactica will pretty much be lost. However, it is over an hour long and it plays like a movie so that’s why it’s getting a review.

Razor tells the story of the Battlestar Pegasus and it’s inhabitants after the attack of the cylons. This followed 40-years of relative peace and not a word from these man-made machines. Jumping back and forth from the present command of Adama, the younger, to the past command of the former Admiral, Razor succeeds in making the crew and command of Pegasus appear more human than machine.

The reason I say this? Pegasus is introduced in BSG at the worst possible moment, questioning the command of Adama, the elder, while acting as the devil on the shoulder of everyone involved. It was the ship and command everyone loved to hate.

With that said, we get to know the crew and command, at times we feel for them, but under the shadow of the show and the love we often have for the crew of Galactica, it’s hard to really get into liking those involved with Pegasus. Razor is the story of the villains and in the end, it shows different circumstances to a war and what can push humans to do the most unthinkable things in times of war.

Overall a great movie, but not for those who haven’t watched the first three seasons of Battlestar Galactica. Oh, and less I forget, Michelle Forbes is far better in the role of Admiral Cain than as Mary-Ann on True Blood. But her character is still a bitch. However, one must be hard and “bitchy” to go through what she has gone through and to have to make the decisions she’s made.

4.5 frakin’ stars out of 5

The Plan

The Plan is the final chapter in the reimagined Battlestar Galactica story. It both tells the story of the cylons during the show as well as tie up any remaining questions that may have been risen during the show. However, those who have not watched the show should not jump right in to this movie without at least having a slight amount of knowledge about the world.

The humans created cylons. They cylons rebelled. They can look, act and feel human, and there are 12 models of cylon, which include a final five cylons who were a part of the original 12 colonies of “humans”. For reasons too deep to go into here, the cylons decide to attack their “human creators”. Some cylons feel they attacked to evolve. After all, for any child to become their own being, their parent has to die, or some believe.

Unlike Razor (reviewed before), The Plan follows the point of view of the cylons throughout the attack on the colonies and the subsequent rush for survival and search for a home. True fans of the Battlestar Galactica world will enjoy this movie. It is a pleasure to finally see what really happened behind the scenes with the attack, how the cylons infiltrated the colonies before and after the attack, as well as how the final five survived the attack and the path they were on until they had a revelation of their true selves.

With this said, this movie is incredible boring compared to the previous television series and movies. For watchers who have become invested in the human characters, a movie that only focuses on the cylon members, with very little NEW interaction with characters such as Lee, Starbuck, Helo etc., one can find the movie a letdown.

By interweaving scenes from the show to give the watcher a time-frame to link with the show, the movie does succeed slightly with bringing the essence of the show to the movie. However, more would have been better in some areas and less is better overall (i.e. the dialogue and pace of the first half was sleep-worthy).

However, there are morsels of goodness that will surprise fans. For instance, we learn of the interaction of “brother” cylon with Sharon, before we knew she was actually a cylon in the show, we see how integral he was in setting the path of the four cylons in the fleet.  On top of the interaction with the “brother” Sharon’s story is given more meat, when the watcher is confused as to her role on the show, in the movie, we get the answers to what the frak she really is up to. We also get to see the path of Sam on Caprica before he meets Kara and subsequently gets rescued and finds out his identity. Things such as how Ellen got on a boat as well as why the cylons retreated during the rescue of the resistance on Caprica are also answered.

In short, a semi-good movie, but the show would have been better off if these scenes were woven into the series. Then it would have saved the watcher from the often boring journey of the movie.

3 cylons out of 5

John Carpenter’s Cigarette Burns

Warnings:  PS, ES, SF

by Rhiannon

This is another flick that I Netflixed strictly because of Norman Reedus. I’m steadily making my way through his body of work. It’s kind of a messed up movie but I enjoyed it. Running time on this movie is only 59 minutes – it’s definitely worth a watch.

Norman Reedus plays the part of Kirby Sweetman, a theater owner who’s tortured by thoughts of his wife/girlfriend who committed suicide and who’s neck-deep in debt to her father for the cost of the theater. He owes roughly $200,000 and it’s not likely that he’s going to make that with movie tickets and popcorn. Luckily, or not so luckily, he’s a talented “movie finder” – he can find any film, no matter how obscure. He’s hired by Mr. Bellinger (played by Udo Kier) to find a copy of “Le Fin Absolue du Monde” (The Absolute End of the World), a film that caused so much madness and violence in the audience on its maiden run that it was destroyed. Kirby tells Mr. Bellinger that he’d love to find a copy to see for himself but that there are no copies left. Mr. Bellinger tells him that there is a possibility that one copy survived. And so a price is negotiated and off Kirby goes to locate the copy. The farther he goes on his quest, the more madness starts to seep into his own life. By the end of the movie, he can’t resist watching the film, even seeing the madness that it causes firsthand.

I didn’t find fault with anyone’s performances in this movie. Everyone did a great job in their role and the script itself was very interesting to me. I liked that we did get to see bits of Le Fin Absolue du Monde in the movie and I can see why it would cause such madness and violence.

I give this movie 3 ¾ of five tortured angels.

Warnings:  PS, ES, XS, a bit of SF

by bradeatspeeps

Hollywood sure has some nerve these days.  I mean, honestly, it takes balls to remake movies that are considered to be classics of their genre.  To go back and try to change and/or improve on the original, to destroy the classic imagery, to “modernize” the events and circumstances of said originals–it takes balls the size of grapefruits. And what is the reward for such bravery, for such nerve?

FAILURE.  Undeniable FAILURE.

Not that the original Friday the 13th is any great masterpiece.  It does have the most positive reviews of all the movies in this long-running series, but it’s nothing fantastic.  I don’t know that it is the passing of time that has made it more camp than scary, or if it was always just a bunch of cheap tricks mixed together with some nudity and gore.  There are moments that it does border on scary, but there are so few of them it never really delivers on the promise of fear.  One must remember that this is a slasher series, and while gore has always been secondary in the slasher genre, as the genre has progressed, we’ve seen a definite increase in such material.

Good or bad, the original move in this series is a classic slasher film, and Jason Voorhees stands alongside Michael Meyers and Freddy Krueger as one of the Big Three in the slasher film genre.  Funnily enough, Jason wasn’t even the killer in the first film, but that doesn’t change that the first Friday the 13th does have its place in horror movie history.  When I heard there was a remake in the works, I groaned.  WHY?  WHHHYY?

And after watching it, I repeat WHY? WHHHHYYY!?!

The movie opens with a short scene that takes place in 1980 where we see the aftermath of Jason’s mother hunting down and killing all of the camp counselors who she feels are responsible for the drowning death of her son.  The only remaining survivor manages to kill Mrs. Voorhees, but as the survivor is walking away, we see little Jason, hideously disfigured in this telling, and we hear his mother’s voice telling him to kill for her.  Decades later, we meet a group of people who are out hiking and camping in the area surrounding the now defunct Camp Crystal Lake.  One of them even knows the story about the history of the camp, but it doesn’t matter.  No, they are there for one reason and one reason only.

WEED.  TONS OF IT.  Seems they learned about some marijuana crop growing out in the woods, and they have a mind to find it, harvest it, and make a lot of money.  They can’t find it, so they stop and make camp for the night, but it turns out that the crop is less than half a mile away from where they are camping.  One guy goes out looking for it, one couple goes off to engage in ill-fated sex, and the other couple go off to explore the area, including a creepy house that is falling apart that is actually the residence of our much older, much angrier Jason Voorhees.

These idiots have been alive during the horror movie generation.  Do not go camping in a place featured in an urban legend because you are looking for pot and then proceed to wander off alone, have sex, or explore creepy old houses.  DO NOT DO IT, IDIOTS.  And what happens?  Of course they are all horrifically murdered.  There is an especially gross scene featuring an old fashioned bear trap and a very unfortunate leg, and another camper is strung up inside her sleeping bag and roasted alive over the camp fire.  FUN!

Six weeks later, we are introduced to the actual stars of the movie, and all of our favorite horror movie tropes are there.  The surfer douche bag! The other surfer douche bag!  The black guy who screams about racism!  The funny Asian who actually IS a stereotype!  The hot blonde girl who will eventually get naked!  The other hot blonde girl who will also eventually get naked!  The equally hot brunette who is somewhat nicer but dating one of the douches!  And, of course, the unrelated protagonist with the missing sister!  And oh, yeah, WEED.   In this case, the protagonist is played by Jared Padalecki, and he is the ONLY reason I decided to sit through this hot mess.  The equally hot brunette is played by Danielle Panabaker, and I enjoy her as well.  Surely with those two this movie can’t be so bad, right?  RIIGHT?

WRONG.  Because not ten minutes into this group’s weekend excursion into…the woods around Crystal Lake, they break out the bong.  The protagonist, Clay, is on a search for his missing sister who was a member of the original group we were introduced to, and as he is going around passing out flyers, a random yokel offers to sell him some weed.  He says he found it out in the woods!  IT IS WEED EVERYWHERE.  THE WEED IS THE REAL VILLAIN.  APPARENTLY, THE WEED MEANS YOU WILL BE HIDEOUSLY MURDERED.  If you take Jason’s weed, he will hunt you down and kill you.  Got it guys?  WEED = DEATH.  Don’t do drugs, kids!

In any case, the plot is completely stupid, which isn’t surprising.  There is actually a scene that features topless water skiiing.  Yeah.  All that needs to be said is people start partying, and then they start dying.  It’s a simple formula.  The movie follows it to the letter, but somehow, it’s just not good.  There’s nothing new or original about it, and if you’re going to do a remake, it’s probably smart to actually re-make SOMEthing about the movie.  None of that happens here.  It’s just like every other movie in the genre, and that is boring and predictable.

The one saving grace of this movie is that they delve a little deeper into Jason’s character, and I find that very interesting.  There’s something of a little twist that gives a nice view into Jason’s mind, and that kept me interested long enough to watch the entire movie.  At the same time, it reeks too much of the style of Rob Zombie, which is to show the “human” side of these monsters to garner sympathy from the audience.  Instead of sympathy, I was just annoyed because it wasn’t done as well as Zombie does it, so it seemed like the knock-off it was.

The ending was showing promise, and then right at the last minute, it was ruined by the everpresent Cheesy Last Line. (“Say hi to Mommy…in HELL!”)  The insult continued when the movie tried to pay homage to the original iconic ending, but the redo was predictable, and again, I felt annoyed instead of surprised.  This was the final nail in the coffin for me.  This movie is just not worth the time.  Watch the original and see how it’s done, and just bypass this easily forgettable waste.  Sorry, Jared Padalecki, even your supreme hotness and that ass that just won’t quit can’t save this movie.

2 hockey masks out of 5.

The Scarecrow

Warnings:  PS, FS, ES

by Rhiannon

I admit that I never watched the first The Messengers and I really doubt that I ever will. Just the sight of Kristen Stewart is enough to make me snarl so I tend to avoid anything and everything that she has anything to do with. I also freely admit that I Netflixed this movie strictly because Norman Reedus is in it. I adore the man and I’ll watch anything he’s in. Pardon me while I make one more confession: movies with scarecrows are always right up my alley because nothing good ever happens when there’s a scarecrow involved. Ever. Those things are like clowns – always the potential for evil and mayhem.

John and Mary Rollins live on a farm with their two kids, Lindsey and Michael. They’re a nice, church-going family but John is severely stressed about his farm’s lack of success. The crows are eating his corn, the fields are dying because he can’t get the irrigation to work, and he’s worried that his wife isn’t as into him as she used to be and he feels guilty that he “ruined her.” He’s also afraid that Tommy, one of the more well-to-do men in town is trying to take his wife and Mary’s not putting up much of a fight. John finds this scary-looking scarecrow in his barn and decides to put it up, which upsets Michael because, like any kid with some sense, he’s scared of the scarecrow. Can’t blame him – the thing is hideous! Things finally start looking up for John – he wakes up one morning to find the crows all dead in his field. Then his irrigation system magically starts working. He even gets treated to a little striptease by a woman who turns out to be his new neighbor’s wife.

Then things start going wrong – people around him start dying and their effects end up in his field. Soon even Mary starts to believe that John could be responsible for the deaths. John starts to figure out that the scarecrow is causing these people to die, which is kinda good for him in a way. His new neighbor and the neighbor’s tramp wife confirm this – the scarecrow takes care of the land and removes obstacles so John can concentrate solely on the land. Unfortunately for John, his family is a big honking distraction/obstacle. After a bit of a nerve-wracking game of hide-and-seek in the cornfields, Michael ends up saving the day by running over the scarecrow with the tractor and then the family the scarecrow’s body to bits and scatters him.

I did enjoy this movie – I wouldn’t have minded a little Reedus-nudity to counteract the female nudity but hey, we can’t have everything. Norman did a great job with his role but I wasn’t enamored with Heather Stephens’s performance as Mary. The kid, Michael (played by Laurence Belcher) was completely adorable though – he reminded me of my own little scarecrow-slayer. I didn’t find the movie to be scary – there might have been a few startling moments but that’s about it

I give it 4 crows out of 5.